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Thanks, you guys, for all the lovely good uplifting wishes on N&N yesterday. I really appreciate it. I had a much better day today, and that was not least because of them.
And also because a couple of people on Twitter helpfully pointed me to something called the Imposter Syndrome, which for some reason I had never heard of before.
Because, you see, I will tell you what happened yesterday. It was nothing really terrible, it was just a general feeling of…incompetence. I have a couple of jobs now, basically, where writing in some form is an aspect of those jobs. And I did that on purpose, because I think I’m good at writing, and they tell you to take jobs that play to your strengths, and what they don’t warn you about is that jobs are such emotionally exhausting things, and I felt like all I did yesterday was have my writing get criticized by people. And yes, they were all right, and they’re all making it better, but I suddenly had this moment of panic. Like, I sat there and thought, “I am not smart enough or good enough to be doing this, and so far I’ve managed to trick everyone, but I can’t keep this up forever, and it’s all going to come toppling down.”
And this feeling is apparently a documented thing! Who knew? Women apparently frequently suffer from “Imposter Syndrome.” Men do, too, to lesser degrees, but it is very common in women in male-dominated careers. Women tend to think their success is a result of luck, or coincidence, or other people’s kindness; women tend not to attribute their accomplishments to *themselves.*
I really had no idea I was doing this until it was pointed out to me. And it’s true: I got my job because I’m good at my job. On better days, I know this. And on other days I spiral into this cycle of doubt that is just my brain playing tricks on me. TRICKY BRAIN. I need to watch out for this. (Especially as apparently the Imposter Syndrome is prevalent among academics in particular! I think it’s because part of our job is literally to read about other people being totally brilliant, and eventually we’re like, “OMG I AM NEVER GOING TO SAY ANYTHING THAT INTERESTING EVER.”)
So, anyway, I share that here because I don’t think THE WORLD does the best job educating you about the evil little tricks that your brain will play on you. Watch out for Imposter Syndrome. Also watch out for blaming yourself for mistakes that are not your fault. (I have learned, from my years in a male-dominated industry, that men tend not to blame themselves to the extent that women do; women just seem to internalize guilt more. SORRY FOR THE GENERALITY, BUT THAT WAS TRUE OF MALE ATTORNEYS.)
And now that I have made sweeping generalizations about gender and life, on to the rest of this entry:
I moved recently, as you may remember if you read my fics. Moving is nothing new for me—I do it a lot more than I want to. But I am having kind of a difficult time meeting people here. It’s a small place—much smaller than I’ve ever lived before—and I don’t know anyone. (This place is so in the middle of nowhere, not even anyone from the INTERNET is here. I KNOW.) I decided that a good way to meet some people I might want to be friends with would be a creative writing group. I’ve never done one of these before, but they have always seemed like they could be interesting. There isn’t one in this town so far that I can tell (none on meetup.com, none through any of the bookstores or coffee shops), so I’m thinking that I may have to start my own? So I am looking to your wisdom. Has anyone started one before? Thoughts on what to do? I’ll try meetup.com but they don’t seem to use that much here, so I’m thinking that maybe flyers on the town square? (Yes, this is a place with a town square.) And I’ve never actually been in a creative writing group, so I don’t even know what we’re supposed to be doing once we get started. I know of at least one of you who was in a creative writing group and who will be getting a DM from me shortly…
Also, everyone who requested access to f-locked entries should now be friends with me and able to access them. I don’t think I missed anyone!
And also because a couple of people on Twitter helpfully pointed me to something called the Imposter Syndrome, which for some reason I had never heard of before.
Because, you see, I will tell you what happened yesterday. It was nothing really terrible, it was just a general feeling of…incompetence. I have a couple of jobs now, basically, where writing in some form is an aspect of those jobs. And I did that on purpose, because I think I’m good at writing, and they tell you to take jobs that play to your strengths, and what they don’t warn you about is that jobs are such emotionally exhausting things, and I felt like all I did yesterday was have my writing get criticized by people. And yes, they were all right, and they’re all making it better, but I suddenly had this moment of panic. Like, I sat there and thought, “I am not smart enough or good enough to be doing this, and so far I’ve managed to trick everyone, but I can’t keep this up forever, and it’s all going to come toppling down.”
And this feeling is apparently a documented thing! Who knew? Women apparently frequently suffer from “Imposter Syndrome.” Men do, too, to lesser degrees, but it is very common in women in male-dominated careers. Women tend to think their success is a result of luck, or coincidence, or other people’s kindness; women tend not to attribute their accomplishments to *themselves.*
I really had no idea I was doing this until it was pointed out to me. And it’s true: I got my job because I’m good at my job. On better days, I know this. And on other days I spiral into this cycle of doubt that is just my brain playing tricks on me. TRICKY BRAIN. I need to watch out for this. (Especially as apparently the Imposter Syndrome is prevalent among academics in particular! I think it’s because part of our job is literally to read about other people being totally brilliant, and eventually we’re like, “OMG I AM NEVER GOING TO SAY ANYTHING THAT INTERESTING EVER.”)
So, anyway, I share that here because I don’t think THE WORLD does the best job educating you about the evil little tricks that your brain will play on you. Watch out for Imposter Syndrome. Also watch out for blaming yourself for mistakes that are not your fault. (I have learned, from my years in a male-dominated industry, that men tend not to blame themselves to the extent that women do; women just seem to internalize guilt more. SORRY FOR THE GENERALITY, BUT THAT WAS TRUE OF MALE ATTORNEYS.)
And now that I have made sweeping generalizations about gender and life, on to the rest of this entry:
I moved recently, as you may remember if you read my fics. Moving is nothing new for me—I do it a lot more than I want to. But I am having kind of a difficult time meeting people here. It’s a small place—much smaller than I’ve ever lived before—and I don’t know anyone. (This place is so in the middle of nowhere, not even anyone from the INTERNET is here. I KNOW.) I decided that a good way to meet some people I might want to be friends with would be a creative writing group. I’ve never done one of these before, but they have always seemed like they could be interesting. There isn’t one in this town so far that I can tell (none on meetup.com, none through any of the bookstores or coffee shops), so I’m thinking that I may have to start my own? So I am looking to your wisdom. Has anyone started one before? Thoughts on what to do? I’ll try meetup.com but they don’t seem to use that much here, so I’m thinking that maybe flyers on the town square? (Yes, this is a place with a town square.) And I’ve never actually been in a creative writing group, so I don’t even know what we’re supposed to be doing once we get started. I know of at least one of you who was in a creative writing group and who will be getting a DM from me shortly…
Also, everyone who requested access to f-locked entries should now be friends with me and able to access them. I don’t think I missed anyone!
