Saving John Watson
Jan. 13th, 2014 10:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
earlgreytea68And then, finally, my crazy fangirl brain came up with this. And...it may have saved this season for me. Because I was mainly determined that I not let them ruin So3 for me, which is basically my second favorite episode of television of all time. And I think I rescued it from the clutches of disaster. And it goes like this:
People have been reblogging my John Watson post recently. And I can see why. I re-read it today and I was most struck by this line:
Sherlock may be an undeniable hurricane-strength force whirling through John’s life but John also chose him.
No, says Sherlock in HLV. John chose Mary. And you can see now why I had an utter meltdown over this, and I may possibly write even more about this at a later point in time, about how Watsons need to love their Holmeses, about how that’s the promise of the AU, about how my John would never *not* choose my Sherlock.
I could write more about how I’ve figured out that I am blatantly biased in favor of Sherlock Holmes, that he is always The Hero in my stories, how I give him John Watson because I love him so much that I can’t deny him. I thought my stories had co-protagonists, but I’ve realized that’s wrong. My stories are Sherlock’s stories. I use them to *save* *Sherlock.* It should be no surprise I can’t forgive Mary for shooting him. Does she not know how much effort I’ve spent saving him?? Just like I can’t forgive her for playing on his adoration of John from Minute 1, basically.
(You have a huge secret and your husband’s best friend is supposed to be notoriously brilliant at reading people? How do you throw him off your scent? YOU GIVE HIM THE THING HE MOST WANTS IN THE WORLD. YOU GIVE HIM BACK HIS JOHN WATSON. Oh, Mary, it was clever, clever, clever to play on Sherlock’s feelings this way. You were the smartest, because you were the first to realize exactly how deep Sherlock’s feelings run. “I’m a high-functioning sociopath,” Sherlock says in every episode this series, clinging to that identity, when, by the end, he’s the least sociopathic character on the canvas.)
(And then, oh, then, Mary, you’re in a bind and you shoot Sherlock Holmes. Do you know what you don’t do to John Watson when you love him? You don’t take away the people he loves. Ask Sherlock Holmes, who just reminded Sholto of this. Who gives up everything in the universe to give John Watson Mary + baby: the people, as far as Sherlock can tell, that John Watson loves most in the world. Bad, selfish decision there, Mary. Sherlock didn’t die, because Sherlock loves your husband so much that he doesn’t fights himself back from *death* in order to protect him. Do not fight Sherlock Holmes on the John Watson love question, Mary. You are going to lose so, so badly. I almost think that’s why Sherlock doesn’t get Mary’s hysteria to hang onto John. He’s like, “What the hell, you love someone, YOU LET THEM GO TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T HURT THEM, isn’t that the deal?”)
I could write more about how being as in love with Sherlock Holmes as I am, that what I end up doing, in my role in every fic, is I *cast myself as John Watson.* That’s why I write John’s POV so heavily. I *am* John Watson. That’s why I was so furious with John all day today. We John Watsons, we are supposed to love our Sherlock Holmeses. They love us so deeply, so vulnerably, they love with such abandon that they do stupid, self-destructive things and we are supposed to save them. And John Watson in HLV felt like he broke that contract with me. Watsons and Holmeses, in all incarnations, they *love* each other. They are endgame. Platonic, romantic, I genuinely don’t care: they are each other’s heartbeats, they save each other, they fix each other.
But what I’m doing now is saving John Watson for me. Because I am a John Watson of a stripe who has spent hundreds of thousands of words writing my Sherlock Holmes. I know him so astonishingly well by now, but there was a time when I didn’t, when I was feeling my way, when his headspace was tricky, and when I didn’t realize the secret that this series so unbelievably beautifully confirmed for me: that Sherlock Holmes’s heart is a precious and amazing thing.
This John Watson, in HLV, he’s a young John Watson, and he didn’t catch up with me, with the rest of us Watsons, until last night. John doesn’t tell Sherlock thank you, or anything emotional at all, in that tarmac scene, because John has finally, finally, *finally* realized that Sherlock Holmes is in love with him. Not just in love with him, but loves him with a brilliant, all-encompassing selflessness that provoked him to kill a man and exile himself just to make sure John Watson could live with the woman he had chosen. Loves him enough to push him back together with that woman even though that woman had *literally* killed him (and also, frankly, in my view, manipulated him for a year, too, by preying on his biggest weakness…a lot like CAM, but I digress). Loves him enough to do all that and never ask for a single thing back, nothing, not even a moment of affection there on that tarmac that Sherlock clearly deserved and doesn’t demand, doesn’t push. Because even on that tarmac, *Sherlock is still loving John Watson to selfless distraction,* *still giving John what he thinks John needs,* which is no emotion, no big scene, no forcing of the question.
And when you realize that somebody loves you like that, and you’ve essentially chosen someone else, you’ve essentially *let him do it,* how can you possibly let yourself acknowledge that out loud? If you did that, how could you ever keep *living*?
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Date: 2014-01-14 03:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 03:54 am (UTC)Series 3 salvaged. God save the Queen.
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Date: 2014-01-14 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-31 05:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 10:51 am (UTC)Now if you could just explain William Sherlock Scott Holmes to me... because I'm WTF-ing like a boss over that.
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Date: 2014-01-31 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 10:52 am (UTC)What an extraordinary thought - you act as John I your stories; I hadn't thought about that before.
I've not had chance to re-watch the third episode yet (watching it only once is not enough as it all happens too fast for me! *grin*) but I shall be looking at it through new eyes, now.
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Date: 2014-01-19 04:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 12:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 02:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-14 03:23 pm (UTC)And John was still being a dick.
And, John Watson, since it's my last chance to say it...
Date: 2014-01-14 05:44 pm (UTC)You can fix it in your head, of course. But for me, it was never the same. I hate to admit that. I want to believe that I can be a creative fan, one who knows the truth and isn't manipulated by ratings-chasing corporate entities who enjoy dangling me from their cat-like jaws like a terrified, dying mouse.
And if you can fix it to your own satisfaction, or if somehow the POTB do it in the next series, then I wish you all the best.
For me, it wasn't to be. And I made a vow, one I have since kept, that I would never, ever invest that much in a TV character again.
I am so sorry, so very, very sorry.
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Date: 2014-01-14 05:51 pm (UTC)Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
(Written by W B Yeats, who loved a woman called Maud Gonne, hopelessly, and with all his heart, all his life)
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Date: 2014-01-14 10:27 pm (UTC)I sort of agree with you and sort of don't.
My whole concept of Sherlock and John has been turned on its head and I am striving to find a way around it. I am disappointed in Sherlock’s intelligence. He had a clue about Mary in TEH. He saw that she was a liar and disillusioned and had a secret. He also saw that she was a guardian, a size 12, a cat lover and baked her own bread. Why didn’t he pick up on those negative clues? I can’t think he didn’t delve further while he was checking up on former boyfriends, etc. Were his feelings so confused after the rebuff he received from John that he made the fatal mistake of letting sentiment cloud his judgment and powers of deduction? Did this human error prove what he had always thought, that sentiment was the grit on the lens? Did he not wonder at the “coincidence” of Mary’s best friend and maid of honor being CAM’s PA? Talk about the universe being lazy. Was his need to get back with John so great (Yes, I think it must have been) that he would ignore anything that would make John unhappy, especially if he was the one to tell him that Mary was a fake? When Mycroft saw what was going on why didn’t he research Mary? Why did everyone leave John hanging out to dry?
Another instance is his misjudging CAM. I will agree that Moffat did a nifty job of setting us all up. CAM only “read” people while he had his spectacles on. He only went into the “vault” when he was at that spectacular house. We “saw” him go down the spiral stairs and saw the shelves and file cabinets and stacks of files and shelves of ledgers, etc. I have tried to blame the underestimating on Physical weakness and taking painkillers/opiates. (Nurse in me talking now, from the position of the entrance wound Sherlock right lung would have been torn up, possibly the right lobe of his liver and diaphragm. Why did I see no chest tube site [to re-expand the lung, normal after a chest wound/thoracotomy] but if this happened, even after the leaving the hospital and the re-bleed, and this happened in June, how is he just getting out of the hospital in December???) Does that really count? I don’t know. Why did he not let Mycroft in on his “deal with the devil”? Even if he believed Mycroft was on CAM’s side I just can’t believe he would go off on his own with John in tow to the devil’s lair without backup. Of course if there had been vaults it would have played out like he expected. But he was WRONG.
second part of rant
Date: 2014-01-14 10:32 pm (UTC)Way back at the beginning of the series we are told that John has “trust issues”. How the hell has the past several years helped that at all? Sherlock seems to constantly lie to him, leave him behind, even tries to drug him in Baskerville and he still loves him and sticks with him. Then Sherlock lies to him in the worst possible way and now he finds that his WIFE who he has vowed to stay with til death do them part is one more GIANT LIE!! He is flummoxed. He is middle aged, deprived of his real calling as a soldier and doctor/surgeon (see the CV in TBB) living on a pension and part-time locum work at a dull GP surgery, watches his best friend kill himself, grieves, tries to get his life back together, falls in love with a witty wonderful woman, is confronted with the fact that the friend he grieved and loved has lied to him, finally forgives him (but like with Mary is probably still pissed as hell at him) gets married finds out he is going to be a father (obviously not a planned pregnancy) , his best friend dies (again), then is revived, disappears thru a hospital room window a week after dying/reviving, then finds out HIS WIFE is the shooter but the truth was with-held from him and she is not even who he thought she was. Who wouldn’t be totally confused and self-doubting? But, after Sherlock leaves his parent’s house with all the inhabitants in a drugged stupor, with the exception of Billy (who now seems to be a weak John substitute) he follows Sherlock to Appledore and finds that his hero is wrong about the vaults and has no backup plan, is humiliated by CAM and when he, in the middle of the “flicking” says, “Sherlock?” is told to just let it happen, then watches his BFF murder the baddy while laser sites are again aimed at both of them. I don’t know about anyone else but if I didn’t have trust issues before I surely would by that point.
Anyway, after that rant will someone please write me a fix it fic, please, please, please. I’m easily pleased. Just done confuse loose and lose, choose and chose, and say someone is prone (face down) when you obviously mean supine (spine down) and I will be forever in your debt.
GLANG
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Date: 2014-01-15 05:26 am (UTC)Maybe you could read some of my John meta on tumblr and then we could talk about it?
There's quite a bit of it, and not all of it is mine; but a large majority of it is, so here's the whole tag. (http://traumachu.tumblr.com/tagged/meta)
Hope that helps~
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Date: 2014-01-15 05:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-15 05:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-15 06:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-15 06:25 am (UTC)He doesn't realize the extent of Sherlock's affections for him because Sherlock takes care to hide it from him, for the most part. Up until Sign of Three, all John ever got from Sherlock was the barest glimpses of affection from a self-proclaimed "sociopath" (we know he's not). And SoT is the only time we get to see them even close to admitting how they feel about each other, in a social context that's expected of them, so it's safe.
In series 1 and 2, John seems to accept that their relationship is one-sided on his part. Sherlock basically dies with John believing this, left alone and bereft. I'm gonna quote myself because I've already written about this:
John never sees how Sherlock cares about him, and he’s totally ignorant of what Sherlock may or may not have endured in the two years that he’s been away. He never even gets to hear that part of the reason Sherlock jumped was to save him. In fact, Sherlock tells him that it was John's failing as to why he couldn't tell John, and John believes him. All he knows is that in the two years he’s been mourning and suffering, going to therapy and struggling with healing, Sherlock has been trotting around the globe, having great adventures. When Sherlock comes back, he is, to all appearances, as arrogant and self-assured as ever, ready to brag about his infinite cleverness. Although John is initially angry, he accepts this, and is simply happy in the end. He even goes so far as to say that he feels like his life is back again (“#Sherlocklives means #johnwatsonlives.”)
John accepts Sherlock for exactly who he is. He loves Sherlock even when he has drugged him (multiple times); he loves Sherlock even when he is rude and appalling to others (and to John), he loves Sherlock even when he manipulates and deceives him. He loves Sherlock with only bare glimpses of Sherlock feeling any sort of affection towards him.
John loves Sherlock unconditionally. (Full text here (http://traumachu.tumblr.com/post/72669045533/so-heres-the-thing-in-the-empty-hearse-we-see), I wrote it before HLV, but it all still stands.)
In HLV Sherlock kills a man for John (just like John killed for Sherlock), in a way that John never asked for or expected. When Sherlock gets on the plane, John genuinely doesn't know that Sherlock is going on a suicide mission. He asks when Sherlock is coming back, and what he's doing afterwards. Sherlock says that "this likely is the last time we'll be seeing each other" and then quickly covers it up with a joke. (And he is torn up about Sherlock leaving, watch that scene closely - but Sherlock masks the heavy emotion with humor, the way they always do) Notice the way John pauses when Sherlock extends his hand. Again, it's Sherlock setting the boundaries, Sherlock dictating their relationship. I'm sure John would have wanted to go for the hug, too. Then he leaves, before John can process any of this, and he doesn't look back, but John watches him. He watches him get on the plane and then he watches the plane fly away.
BOTH OF THEM are over the moon for each other, never ever letting the other one see the extent and depth of how much they care about each other. In each other's eyes they probably think their love is unrequited in its own way. God it's so beautiful and INTENSELY frustrating it's like straight out of one of your stories.
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Date: 2014-01-15 06:29 am (UTC)But, anyway, we will all get there in the end!
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Date: 2014-01-15 06:33 am (UTC)I don't trust the Sherlock writers with even letting us see hugging when hugging is needed or a good strong friendship, nevermind real expressions of love....
(also keep in mind that HLV is written by moffat, whom I know you like, but there is a very strong thread of no homo )
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Date: 2014-01-15 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-15 06:38 am (UTC)I'm here to help you though! Just like you supported me when I first started writing!!
Also, I have to say: large part of the reason WHY John forgives Mary is because Sherlock set him up for it.
I wrote about it here. (http://traumachu.tumblr.com/post/73291060084/okay-real-quick-because-this-is-bothering-me-and)
(Sorry I keep on linking my metas to you, I just want to be helpful! I also genuinely would like to know what you think, since in previous conversations we've had you and I seemed to interpret most of their relationships in the same way. Well. Especially Mycroft. I'm so, so happy we were spot-on about Mycroft.)
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Date: 2014-01-17 04:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-15 06:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-15 11:56 am (UTC)Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
(Written by W B Yeats, who loved a woman called Maud Gonne, hopelessly, and with all his heart, all his life)
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Date: 2014-01-17 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-20 01:24 am (UTC)