The Drive to Mississippi

[earlgreytea68]

I promised I would write up my drive so here are just some random moments.

• We had to get started in the afternoon because of my friend's work schedule. This meant that we hit Connecticut just as rush hour was approaching. We literally sat synthesizing information from every source we could think of to decide what route to take through Connecticut, and after we made a choice we decided that there should be an app that tells you how it would have turned out if you'd made a different choice. Like, did we actually make the right choice or not? But then we decided that maybe there's no such app because it would just be too depressing how seldom we make the right choices...


• Basically something like 85% of the roads between Massachusetts and Mississippi are under construction. I am not even exaggerating. We were trying to see if we could go 30 whole miles without hitting another construction zone. And, most of the time, it is unclear what these construction zones are actually DOING. You never see anyone working on them. It's basically just a bunch of orange buckets closing off a lane. Whatever company makes those orange buckets? Buy stock in that company, because they've got to be doing well. At one point, the length and uselessness of the construction zone was such that a truck holding up traffic at the front of the now-one-lane road LITERALLY MOVED OVER TO THE "CONSTRUCTION ZONE" LANE TO DRIVE IN THAT LANE INSTEAD. I have never seen anything like that before but because it saved us from some additional amount of miles stuck going 45 behind this guy, I salute that truck driver. Should he be given a ticket? No, he should be given a medal!


• We were literally sitting in traffic at MIDNIGHT in Pittsburgh because they had some kind of overnight construction going on on some tunnel that basically, apparently, the entire population of Pittsburgh had decided it had to go through at midnight. And there were SO MANY orange buckets set up for this overnight construction. We were trying to determine how long it takes to set up those orange buckets every night and take them down every morning. Like, by the time they're done setting up all the buckets, it's probably time to start taking them down.


• For purposes of yellow car, if the yellow car is on a billboard, does it count as a yellow car?


• "Is that a river? Or is it a building?" "Wow, you can tell we're not nature people, huh?"


• Every single time we crossed a river -- every single time -- my friend was like, "I think this is the Ohio River. No, for real, I think this is it this time." We crossed the Ohio River, like, six times while driving down to Mississippi. I bet if you looked at a map, it would turn out we had never crossed the Ohio River at all.


• Related, on the second day of driving, my mother asked how many states we had to go through. I said, "I think it's Pennsylvania, Tennessee, then Mississippi." We start driving, and the very first state we hit was...West Virginia. My friend and I were like, "...West Virginia? I didn't even know West Virginia was over here?" The stereotype that New Englanders know no geography outside of Pennsylvania? TOTALLY TRUE. My friend was like, "Where in Ohio is Columbus?" and I was like, "You do not even know what Ohio looks like, so what does it matter where Columbus is?" and she was like, "I think Ohio is vaguely rectangular, right?"


• Pennsylvania's license plates have the state tourism website on them. I want to know why. Do they really think that you're stuck in traffic and some road somewhere and the car in front of you is from Pennsylvania and you're like, "Hey. visitpa.com. We should look that up and go there someday."


• At one point one of the signs on the road warned us that we should be on the lookout for "drug impaired drivers." I found this terrifying. Is this such an issue that you need to go and create a *sign* about it???


• Speaking of signs, there was another sign that was in such tiny lettering that you basically couldn't read it. What was the behind-the-scenes discussion about that sign? "Oops, that sign's in 12 pt font, think anyone will notice? Just put it up anyway." 


• We just do not understand how people drive. Just do not understand it. You can have open road in front of you and open road behind you but the rule must be that there HAS to be two cars who want to hover right next to each other in adjacent lines and prevent you from going everywhere. WHY. WHY DRIVE LIKE THAT. DRIVE A COUPLE OF MILES FASTER AND PASS THAT PERSON YOU'RE HOVERING NEXT TO.


• Just south of Louisville, we decided to stop at a Wendy's. BAD MISTAKE. TERRIBLE MISTAKE. We waited behind this woman who took FIFTEEN MINUTES just to PLACE AN ORDER AT WENDY'S. I know, because I was texting during the ordeal, so I could time it. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED? TWO SANDWICHES. BUT SHE ORDERED THESE SANDWICHES IN THE WORLD'S MOST CONFUSING WAY, WITH ALL THESE SPECIAL ADD-ONS AND SUBTRACTIONS. YOU ARE AT WENDY'S. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. IT IS *FAST FOOD.* Seriously, at times like these, I decide I am the least high-maintenance person in the history of time. Did you hear that, Benedict? You'd be lucky to have me.


• The Wendy's where we stopped was in the same plaza as a store called Caskets Kentucky. So I guess we should have known.


• Best iced tea I've had in a while: the Dunkin' Donuts in Pittsburgh. Where the guy in front of us paid entirely in coins. It was kind of amazing.


• Passed a billboard asking if Jesus was in me. Had a discussion about HOW MANY billboards are Jesus-themed as you continue to drive south. Tried to determine what they're thinking when they put those billboards up. Like, do they think us godless liberals from the north will suddenly be like, "Wait--*is* Jesus in me?" Genuinely perplexed by the logical reasoning there. Suspect there is no logical reasoning.


• The strip club near the Memphis Airport does midget wrestling, so never again will I say there's nothing to do around here, k?


• In the middle of nowhere, we passed a single building advertising "Karaoke -- No Cover Charge!!!" ...Are cover charges a thing in the middle of nowhere? We wanted to know where this karaoke's bar nearest competitor was.


• "There's Fort Steuben! Now you can see you've been there!" "What's Fort Steuben?" "...No idea, I'll look it up."


• The last thirty or so miles of the drive here is always that one-lane road I mentioned. It is very stressful, because in order to pass someone you have to pass into oncoming traffic. My friend was super-impressed by my oncoming-traffic-passing skills, since that's not something you do a whole lot of in New England. I was like, "You know what helps for this? INCEPTION MUSIC."

Comments

[grey853.livejournal.com]

Driving South for a long distance is always frustrating!! The construction is everywhere. I swear, I thing going through Nashville, they had up those cones for 20 years at one point.

Glad you made it! Sounds like you had interesting company.

[earlgreytea68.livejournal.com]

She's a crazy person, but I love her. :-)

[random.livejournal.com]

At least you didn't have to drive through Texas and there were signs to look at. Texas is the most boring and horrible drive. Your entry popped up when I opened the Lj app... So that is where I'm commenting from.

[earlgreytea68.livejournal.com]

::wince:: Arkansas is like that, too. Incredibly boring. And the Florida panhandle. Actually, a lot of this country, apparently...

[editrx.livejournal.com]

In this part of New England (as you probably noticed), unless you're on the Interstate, ALL roads are only passable by going against oncoming traffic, especially the state "highways."

Then again, we hAve more cows than people. Really.

[earlgreytea68.livejournal.com]

I believe it. And I didn't notice that people were driving too terribly annoyingly, probably because there were so few of them!

[hernerdiness.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a seriously frustrating trip!

[glory_jean]

Wow, for trips like that you definitely need company.

I'm also impressed with your car passing skills. You know how I deal with one-lane highways? I never pass ever and tell myself I'm saintly and patient. (I'm not saintly and patient.) Also, I turn up radio to drown out certain sighing passengers.

[glory_jean]

Oh and I guess I expect trips to Wendy's to be slow and surreal. Our Wendy's gets everything wrong every single time. It's sort of part of the experience.

[rereader.livejournal.com]

Is it bad that I found this very entertaining?

I am all Bartleby about driving, because mostly driving to me means New Jersey, where the on and off ramps to the highways are maybe 3 feet long if they exist at all and all the cars on the speed up if you signal that you want to change lanes (or get on the highway, of course), or Brooklyn, where the other drivers are apt to just stop in the middle of the street and get out to go into a store, or will dive head first into a parking space you are trying to park in.

[auntiesuze.livejournal.com]

Heh. I know the pain of the two cars driving side-by-side on the highway. JUST PASS ALREADY. I do live in a part of NE where we have major single-lane roads (hello, Route 1) and lots of summer tourists. Though I am always cautious, I will pass in the opposite lane at the first opportunity. Nobody had time for your sightseeing, buddy. ;)

I always love your driving adventures! :D

[earlgreytea68.livejournal.com]

That's true, there are more of those one-land roads in the less-populated bits of New England. I should have said that southern New England doesn't have many of them. I *do* pass, but I have to say I get an unpleasant adrenaline rush when I do it, like, all heart-beaty-fast. Why do some people say they *enjoy* adrenaline rushes??

[wickedgillie.livejournal.com]

Oh God, so sorry you got caught in the Squirrel Hill Tunnel outbound construction here in Pittsburgh. It's a bloody mess.

[rifleman-s.livejournal.com]

Well, you can't say your drives aren't interesting . . . *grin*

"Whatever company makes those orange buckets? Buy stock in that company, because they've got to be doing well."

We call them "traffic cones (ours look like inverted ice cream cones) and yes, I have often mooted that point myself!!

Interesting about the "Jesus . . . [whatever]" signs - our vicar gave a sermon on just that point this morning. From "What would Jesus do?" to "What kind of car would Jesus drive?" - the but the interesting thing is that although they can put up posters like that, it's illegal to use Him for actual advertising, i.e. product placement. Interesting . . .

Anyway, glad you got back safely in the end! Thanks for sharing - your posts are always fascinating.

Now please get on and write that Oliver story you've teased us with!! *happy smile*