In Memory of Caitlin
Sep. 15th, 2018 09:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
earlgreytea68I've been trying for several days to think of what to say in this post, and in the end this is what I've come up with.
Earlier this week, we lost Caitlin, who had been a member of overlapping fandoms with me for a decade. I've been trying so hard to remember how I first met her, and I feel like she might have gone by catslynn on LJ, maybe? It's so long ago it's been lost in the sands of time, and it's the kind of thing where you think, well, that you won't be sitting in your house on a Monday night, hearing that she died, and have to try to remember how you ever met her in the first place.
It's enough to know that we met. I think she was a Chaosverse fan. When I moved to New Orleans the second time, she was living there. We met for drinks at the Columns. She was a lovely, vibrant person. Younger than me, by about a decade, which in those days, years ago, felt like so much, like she was just starting out and everything was ahead of her, whereas I was in my 30s and already on my second career. I remember sitting with her outside on that porch, as it fell dark around her, and how much she loved the place, and how she kept saying how lucky I was to live so close to it. And I know now that at that moment I was older than she would ever live to be.
We made plans to watch "The Decoy Bride" together. She came over and brought king cake, because it was Carnival season. We sat and watched the movie together and discussed it enthusiastically when it was done. Fans, happy to have found each other IRL, because that happens so seldom and is always so thrilling when stars align.
It's the enthusiastic conversations I remember most. She loved stories passionately. When I was writing HGTV verse, she would sometimes Snapchat me little moments that had reminded her of the fic. She once went to a restaurant that had river hallways and watched someone fall into one right in front of her. I wrote that little detail into "Dream Bigger."
She was an incredibly gorgeous writer herself, with an atmospheric evocative way with words that I was always jealous of. She was nolaespoir on AO3, and you should read her Oxford AU, which was so painfully Oxonian I felt like I could breathe Oxford air when I was reading it. Her one hundred fluff drabble series was a daily treat of love as she was writing it. I link you to her writing because the world doesn't have Caitlin in it anymore, but we still have her words, and they are beautiful words, and I am forever grateful she left us with them. They are beautiful and amazing as she was, inside and out.
I am forever grateful that she was in my life and that I knew her. We moved to different places but we kept in touch, and it was that special sort of keeping in touch you have for those fandom friends you've actually seen and talked to, you know? A few months ago we had a conversation on Twitter I've been thinking about over and over this week. She tweeted, "One day soon we’ll all go to Nobu again or Soho House and drink 1942 and throw ourselves into the ocean, and that will be the end of our office.," and I replied, "Your office sounds like a short story in the New Yorker." It was neither our first nor our last Twitter interaction but it's the one I keep thinking about for some reason. It's the one that stands out to me. Maybe because it's a conversation about the words that will never be written now. "Write the story," I and others urged her. But those were words that weren't to be.
And the thing that happens when you grieve is that you're not grieving over the words you have, the memories, the stories, because you have those. You're grieving for all the ones you now know you're never going to get. All the things you realize you're never going to be able to tell her, all the silly quirky random observations of modern life that make up our interactions, and I know it's trendy to think that pointless things often happen on social media, but those are the things that make up a life. In the end, those are it, and they're beautiful, and you will hold everyone of them close. And I don't know what to say other than to give you the words and memories and stories of Caitlin I have left. And here they are, inadequate as they might be.
I will miss her. I will miss her future, and what could have been, and I've been trying to come to grips all week with my jumble of emotions, and I don't think I'm anywhere near to grips with them, but I don't think you're supposed to be at this stage. She was hurting, more than any of us realized, and I just hope now that she's at peace.
Love your friends a little closer. Especially those fandom ones you take for granted will keep crossing your dash.
And if you remember Caitlin, because I do think she started out on LJ, there is a fund set up in her memory.
Earlier this week, we lost Caitlin, who had been a member of overlapping fandoms with me for a decade. I've been trying so hard to remember how I first met her, and I feel like she might have gone by catslynn on LJ, maybe? It's so long ago it's been lost in the sands of time, and it's the kind of thing where you think, well, that you won't be sitting in your house on a Monday night, hearing that she died, and have to try to remember how you ever met her in the first place.
It's enough to know that we met. I think she was a Chaosverse fan. When I moved to New Orleans the second time, she was living there. We met for drinks at the Columns. She was a lovely, vibrant person. Younger than me, by about a decade, which in those days, years ago, felt like so much, like she was just starting out and everything was ahead of her, whereas I was in my 30s and already on my second career. I remember sitting with her outside on that porch, as it fell dark around her, and how much she loved the place, and how she kept saying how lucky I was to live so close to it. And I know now that at that moment I was older than she would ever live to be.
We made plans to watch "The Decoy Bride" together. She came over and brought king cake, because it was Carnival season. We sat and watched the movie together and discussed it enthusiastically when it was done. Fans, happy to have found each other IRL, because that happens so seldom and is always so thrilling when stars align.
It's the enthusiastic conversations I remember most. She loved stories passionately. When I was writing HGTV verse, she would sometimes Snapchat me little moments that had reminded her of the fic. She once went to a restaurant that had river hallways and watched someone fall into one right in front of her. I wrote that little detail into "Dream Bigger."
She was an incredibly gorgeous writer herself, with an atmospheric evocative way with words that I was always jealous of. She was nolaespoir on AO3, and you should read her Oxford AU, which was so painfully Oxonian I felt like I could breathe Oxford air when I was reading it. Her one hundred fluff drabble series was a daily treat of love as she was writing it. I link you to her writing because the world doesn't have Caitlin in it anymore, but we still have her words, and they are beautiful words, and I am forever grateful she left us with them. They are beautiful and amazing as she was, inside and out.
I am forever grateful that she was in my life and that I knew her. We moved to different places but we kept in touch, and it was that special sort of keeping in touch you have for those fandom friends you've actually seen and talked to, you know? A few months ago we had a conversation on Twitter I've been thinking about over and over this week. She tweeted, "One day soon we’ll all go to Nobu again or Soho House and drink 1942 and throw ourselves into the ocean, and that will be the end of our office.," and I replied, "Your office sounds like a short story in the New Yorker." It was neither our first nor our last Twitter interaction but it's the one I keep thinking about for some reason. It's the one that stands out to me. Maybe because it's a conversation about the words that will never be written now. "Write the story," I and others urged her. But those were words that weren't to be.
And the thing that happens when you grieve is that you're not grieving over the words you have, the memories, the stories, because you have those. You're grieving for all the ones you now know you're never going to get. All the things you realize you're never going to be able to tell her, all the silly quirky random observations of modern life that make up our interactions, and I know it's trendy to think that pointless things often happen on social media, but those are the things that make up a life. In the end, those are it, and they're beautiful, and you will hold everyone of them close. And I don't know what to say other than to give you the words and memories and stories of Caitlin I have left. And here they are, inadequate as they might be.
I will miss her. I will miss her future, and what could have been, and I've been trying to come to grips all week with my jumble of emotions, and I don't think I'm anywhere near to grips with them, but I don't think you're supposed to be at this stage. She was hurting, more than any of us realized, and I just hope now that she's at peace.
Love your friends a little closer. Especially those fandom ones you take for granted will keep crossing your dash.
And if you remember Caitlin, because I do think she started out on LJ, there is a fund set up in her memory.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 04:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 06:05 am (UTC)Her John/Sherlock fic just broke my heart.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 12:49 pm (UTC)Your eulogy has made me miss her though I've never crossed paths with Caitlin. I can't even imagine how much worse it must be for you. *hugs*
P.S. Will check out her works and am glad people who see your words are able to.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 08:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-19 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-16 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-19 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-17 01:54 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2018-09-19 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-17 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-19 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-22 08:28 am (UTC)**HUGS**